Tag Archives: toddlers

onwards and upwards

onwards and upwards.

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Nipper speak

As the ambient mists of infancy slowly fade and the red mire of the terrible twos descends upon us, I felt it might assist nobody in particular if I provided the following guide to an infant’s first precious words. Enjoy.

Baa baa An ovine mammal or rendering thereof is within my line of sight.
Chan Choo See Peas.
Chichi I am unable to recall or pronounce your name, but you amuse me.
Daddee Finally, someone sensible has come home.
Henwee You bore me. I’d rather speak to the labrador.
Lok I thirst. Please pass the milk.
Mama Woman, hear me.
Mermer Woman, you do not appear to be attending to my needs with sufficient urgency. Hear me.
More Please increase my nutritional input.
MORE I really must insist that you increase my nutritional input.
MORE! Ideally with some of that Green & Blacks chocolate which you appear to eating in lieu of this processed rubbish.
Nerner You appear to be doing something interesting and/or important. Please allow me to interrupt.
No Negative.
NOOOO I decline your kind invitation to change my nappy.
Oh! Please be silent. In the Night Garden is on.
One, two, nine I am putting these squirty bath toys in their correct place. Please observe the proper protocol next time.
Peas I am feeling amiable and am therefore prepared to succumb to your bourgeois insistence on manners on this particular occasion, purely in order to have my needs met.
Raaa I am communing with the animal part of my nature and/or I have placed a basket on my head.
Three, two, three, go I am putting this toy car in its proper place. Please observe the proper protocol next time.
Twee I am communing with nature and/or I wish to change the subject.
Yah Affirmative. I am a clever boy.
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