As the ambient mists of infancy slowly fade and the red mire of the terrible twos descends upon us, I felt it might assist nobody in particular if I provided the following guide to an infant’s first precious words. Enjoy.
| Baa baa | An ovine mammal or rendering thereof is within my line of sight. |
| Chan Choo | See Peas. |
| Chichi | I am unable to recall or pronounce your name, but you amuse me. |
| Daddee | Finally, someone sensible has come home. |
| Henwee | You bore me. I’d rather speak to the labrador. |
| Lok | I thirst. Please pass the milk. |
| Mama | Woman, hear me. |
| Mermer | Woman, you do not appear to be attending to my needs with sufficient urgency. Hear me. |
| More | Please increase my nutritional input. |
| MORE | I really must insist that you increase my nutritional input. |
| MORE! | Ideally with some of that Green & Blacks chocolate which you appear to eating in lieu of this processed rubbish. |
| Nerner | You appear to be doing something interesting and/or important. Please allow me to interrupt. |
| No | Negative. |
| NOOOO | I decline your kind invitation to change my nappy. |
| Oh! | Please be silent. In the Night Garden is on. |
| One, two, nine | I am putting these squirty bath toys in their correct place. Please observe the proper protocol next time. |
| Peas | I am feeling amiable and am therefore prepared to succumb to your bourgeois insistence on manners on this particular occasion, purely in order to have my needs met. |
| Raaa | I am communing with the animal part of my nature and/or I have placed a basket on my head. |
| Three, two, three, go | I am putting this toy car in its proper place. Please observe the proper protocol next time. |
| Twee | I am communing with nature and/or I wish to change the subject. |
| Yah | Affirmative. I am a clever boy. |
Northern Likes 